She isn’t here anymore

I’ve experienced death from a distance, heard of celebrities or other peoples family members dying. But I’ve never experienced it like this, when it’s so close by that it can touch you, when you can feel it’s breath on your neck. When grief rushes at you and knocks you over.

My grandmother died.
She died.

It’s like you’ve lived your whole life learning things, preparing for adulthood, but never been prepared for the fact that people around you won’t live forever. That they’ll disappear from you. That suddenly they are dust or wind or nothing at all.

It has taken me a few days to take it all in and now its hit me full force. It feels like I’m going to be consumed by this pain. Like I’m going to die from this pain. This is what’s going to finish me of. I try to let all of this pain out, but it’s like there’s not enough tears in this world.

All I see infront of me are the memories – memories that will fade with time. Things we’re never gonna do anymore. Like meet at Christmas, or just me going over to have a chat. I’m so scared I’m going to forget how she smelled, her voice and her laugh and all the things we used to do at her house.

If I could’ve gone with her to heaven I would have.


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