I’m alternating between liking it here and hating it. One minute I’m all fine, smiling and being almost happy, feeling like I made the right choice, and the next minute I’m in the midst of anxiety and feelings of missing my parents and my cat. I’m feeling lonely and scared, and when it comes to the anxiety it’s usually not even something big that sets me off. Today it was about how I was going to get a summer job that set me of. I felt like I was dying, sinking to the bottom of the ocean, trapped inside a ship.
I’ve never been this far away from home before; and far is not even that far. I’m even scared of talking on the phone with my mom ‘cause it always makes me cry. I just don’t want to worry them. The moments of feeling okay are few, but they bring hope nonetheless. It’s something to cling onto when the nights feel to dark and the city to big.
I have no friends, because trying to make friends has always been hard for me. I’m awkward and I’m an introvert, I like to spend my free time in solitude. People might think I’m lonely, but I don’t really see it like that.
Even if I had friends I wouldn’t be able to maintain those friendships. I can barely keep myself upright at the moment. It’s a chore to get out of bed, eat breakfast, shower, go down the stairs to the mailbox. If I could I would probably skip both breakfast and shower, stay in bed and let the mail pile up in that box.
During my last bout of depression I didn’t shower or brush my teeth for like five days straight. Which is so gross, but I just couldn’t get out of bed. My biggest fear though is just that; not being able to get myself out of bed. Of failing, ending up in a psych ward, or even worse; committing suicide.
I feel so scared here. So out of place in this place.